A Snowflake Falls in the South

At 15, I begrudgingly left my home in New England to start a new life in a foreign land.

I moved from a 60% Jewish town to an area of the country where the symbolic importance of the Confederate flag is barely overshadowed by the Crucifix and it’s millions of iterations dotting the landscape.

My first experiences in the Carolinas were warm and welcoming. My new friends’ moms were delightfully cheery. Even at age 15, their Southern draw seemed to hearken back to the good ole’ days.

It took me a while to get used to the way people dressed. Though the garb of the Deep South is usually characterized by overalls, sundresses, and plaid, it came as a surprise to me that the seemingly accepted fashion-trend for boys my age was...well... "urban".

They wore Fubu, POLO, and tons of chains and cheesy jewelry. They even flashed each other "wu-tang" hand-signs. The flagrant and horrible irony here seemed to be lost on them as they drove off from baseball practice in their pickup trucks laced with confederate flag stickers. The emotional energy needed to maintain that level of cognitive dissonance seemed to slow down their ability to articulate; perhaps giving way to that Southern "drawl".

My need to fit into a new world was outweighed by my inability to ignore irony. The acceptance of cultural appropriation left a palpable sense of fear and confusion. I was looking square in the face at the inner-machinations of a socially retarded society, and it was my home.

My AP US history teacher did an illuminating experiment - She had the entire class to stand in the middle of the room, asked about 20 politically polarizing questions, and advised us to take a step in either direction depending on the answer. By the end of the segment, 23 of 25 of the students were jammed up against the side wall; myself and a black girl stood alone on the other side. Needless to say, I was a fish out of water. The culture-shock was stultifying.

Before every game, When the rest of the varsity baseball team recanted "The Lord's Prayer", I refused to kneel with them. It was horribly awkward. The Yankee Jew had arrived on the Planet of the 2nd Amendment.

I did, of course, run into my fair share of anti-semitism, but that's a story for another time.

Upon entering college, my fascination with the political right went unabated. I became infatuated with Fox News; logging thousands of hours between O'Reilly Factor and Hannity in utter disbelief (and self-righteousness, if we're being honest). My friends were equally bemused by my behavior.

In pursuance of my minor in psychology, my thesis paper examined the connection between happiness and religiosity. It's ample, and I was bitter. Perhaps, even jealous.

When the 2004 Presidential Debates came to my alma mater, University of Miami, I wasn't so much interested in watching the post-debate broadcast from the CNN booth. I was dismayed to find, however, that anyone interested in being part of the live audience during the Fox News broadcast had to pre-registered as a Republican. Nepotistic bastards! That evening, I called in to "Air America" to air my grievances.

I even tried to date one of the Fox producers. I really wanted to know my enemy! On a lunch date, I notified her that she works for a brainwashing propaganda network. Predictably, she responded that "ALL news channels brainwash." If she had any interest in me, it didn't last very long.

I learned a few things....the hard way.

Ya'll come back now, hear?